It Just Takes Some Time

(revert to #1 feel better song)

Wow, I'm really not okay.

Whoda thunk?

I mean, I've been worse, but it's been a yucky few days. Tried to cheer myself up with some honey milk and While You Were Sleeping (don't judge me, alright - I've always liked that movie) and instead found myself sitting in the middle of the floor sobbing my heart out.

Serotonin levels at zero.

I have absolutely no idea what's come over me the past few days. Think the reality of everything just caught up with me in one big wave. I mean, seriously, what am I doing here? If I'm honest, I think I partly know the answer to my bout of blues. I'm a complete commitment phobe, and now I've found something I'm interested in committing to, I'm worried it'll all slip away. I ended up here by accident rather than design. Somehow everything seems to be going rather well: nice house, good friends, employment. Yet for some reason I feel utterly worthless, like nothing I do is good enough.

I'm not sure what any of that means. I haven't felt this way in years, so why I should feel it now, when everything is really pretty good, doesn't make a lot of sense.

Anyway, I had a good outpouring, picked myself up, dusted myself down and decided to write a list of all the things that are worrying me:

1. My health insurance ran out on the 10th.
2. Cash flow - I don't have any and I have people I need to pay
3. Worried I won't get a visa extension and all of this will have been for nothing
4. Worried I won't earn enough to afford to stay in this house I love living in

That about sums up the major stresses in my life at the moment.

So, today, I did the following:

1. Bought health insurance (for a very reasonable price) from UAP which covers me in Rwanda, Uganda, Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi and, oddly, India.
2. Collected a cheque for 50% of my latest contract and banked it. This means I have enough to pay off my contractors from the last project and expenses for my contractor on this project. Takes a huge weight off my mind - cash is now flowing.
   
   
   Only problem now is figuring out how to pay them. Due to the genius that is my bank, I can make online transfers from my personal account but not my business account! As online business banking goes - pretty useless. Never mind, the money is in the bank, I'm sure I'll figure out a way to get it out again. Most likely by switching to a better bank.
   
   

   

   One cashier and standing room only to deposit a cheque at my bank.
   Like nobody has a business to run?

              
3. Went to Immigration, enquired about the process for extending. Turns out it's easy. Have the forms. Will apply next week and get that question out of the way. Whatever the answer, I have plans. I just need to know now whether those plans include jumpers.
4. Decided to shut the hell up and just enjoy living here. Why spend my time here worrying about my time not being here? It's only a house, there are plenty of them. And, honestly - I echo in this place. It is a big house for little ol' me. I've had two contract calls in the past week, so it's looking hopeful, and I can always throw my hat into the ring for a 'proper' job if it gets that bad. I've only been at this game a few months, it's far too early to tell how things will turn out.

I got all that done in a day and I am feeling quite a bit better. I don't know why I ever doubted that I could pull myself out of my own funk. When you look at the list, there's really nothing so terrifying on there.

In other not-so-ridiculous-in-daylight news:

I tried making sombe (mashed cassava leaf) the other day, in case it's lack of greens that's swinging my mood. As I suspected, there is no way of making this stuff taste good under any circumstances. My neighbour and my friend both say it's yummy the way their mums make it (boiling for two hours with onions), but I have never had nice sombe, not in a restaurant, and certainly not from my own pan. This is one dish I have unequivocally failed to master.

Still, the garden's looking nice. Check out my courgettes!

Sunflower... or Triffid?

In a small triumph, I have mastered the art of putting my hair up in a chignon using... only my hair.

That's pretty cool, huh? It's grown so long and matted that it stays in almost any shape I put it. I've discovered this delightful product at the local Indian store. Makes my hair smell of jasmine and prevents frizz. Also found Tiger Balm. My life is complete. I spend half the day sniffing myself.

Anyway, Christiane is coming at the end of the week. I intend to get extremely drunk and resume my usually footloose fancy-free ways. A week of the glums is more than enough. I really don't understand it at all.