Holy Guacamole!

That's it, I'm done! I cannot eat a single spoonful more of guacamole. Goddammit, these things are raining from the sky! I have to wear a crash helmet when I go to inspect my garden. One already landed on my courgettes... grrr. Collecting them up and going to take them to the shop next door to see'f I can barter for a few bananas.

A friend told me you can make 'avocado cake' by mashing avocado and a banana with chocolate powder. I have everything but the last. May experiment with something else. Then you stick it in the fridge for a half-hour. Sounds good.

This is just going to be a rambling post. I'm feeling sorry for myself. Cut my finger trying to break into a bottle of waragi the other night, and got over my house allergy but came down with a stinking cold - sore throat, clammy. Dosed myself with echinacea, zinc, vitamin C, garlic and Marmite - one of those things (I suspect Marmite) is bound to kill it stone dead.

Meanwhile, things are turning bad in Burundi. My friend, the former Commissioner General of the country, predicted this last year.

Found the above video on Richard Wilson's blog. His sister, Charlotte Wilson, was a VSO murdered in 2000 in a busjacking, along with her Burundian fiance Richard Ndereyimana. There are now 25,000 Burundian refugees in Rwanda, and I had to send out a reassuring e-mail to all of our international participants that it is still safe to come here, but please don't be daft enough to attempt travel to Burundi or the DRC during your stay.

In case you don't understand what's going on (why would you? Burundian elections and murders stand little chance of reaching the news when the UK's elections are on. Top tip - swap BBC for RT and feel your IQ treble), here's a quick explanation:

Burundi's President, Pierre Nkurunziza, has declared that he will stand for a third term, even though the constitution says that a president can only stand for two.

To summarise his argument, in 2005 Nkurunziza was elected as President by Parliament. Yet his second election in 2010 was a direct election by the people (91% of the vote according to reports).

Nkurunziza is claiming that because he was originally appointed by Parliament, he has only been officially elected once, and should therefore be allowed to stand in an open election a second time, making three terms.

This didn't go down well with Parliament, who said 'No, this is unconstitutional, you cannot serve a third term.' The story goes that Nkurunziza ignored Parliament and set up an independent committee which ruled (unsurprisingly) that he could stand for a third term.

Meanwhile, in my mundane life, the telephone company came to inspect my connection today and agreed with me that, yes, it is shocking. They've pledged to do something about it, and I was pleasantly surprised by the guy who turned up at 3:30, when we had agreed to meet at 3:30. On the dot. That was impressive.

Less impressive, and perhaps slightly more predictable, was an offer to teach me Kinya, and a follow-up e-mail which, from what I can gather, appears to be suggesting that he'll buy me a bottle (of something) to celebrate once it's fixed.

Dude, you were wearing a ring. Fix my phone, go home.

I seem to be amassing young blokes at the moment. It's tiring enough having an internet connection that doesn't work, yet alone having internet that does work and twenty Facebook DMs from horny pups who met me once and have decided I'm The One. Even bluntness doesn't work:

You're a really lovely guy. I like you as a friend. But there is nothing sexual between us.

Why not?

Because I don't fancy you. You know, not everybody you're friends with you want to sleep with. It's about the vibe between two people.

[NB: Twice I got so exasperated I went all the way to the gay end of my sexual spectrum, using the lines 'you're the wrong gender' and 'I prefer breasts'.] 

*nodding head as though understanding*

Lines that have then proceeded this moment of understanding:

When you are ready for children, call me.

I'm not ready for a girlfriend, but when I am I will start with you.

I'm shy, but with you I wouldn't be [subtext: fancy a shag to boost my self-confidence?]

This is common to all women. My friends have had:

I'm engaged, but I've always wanted to sleep with a white woman before I get married.

[From a doctor at a blood testing clinic] You know, it's dangerous to sleep with men here. There is so much HIV. But I am a doctor, I have certificates to prove that I'm clean. If you want to have sex, you should call me.

*smacking head repeatedly against wall*

This. This woman here. There aren't words for her. She's stunning.